Identity

I am struggling with my sense of identity and who I am at the moment. For many years now I have been a paramedic, and my identity and life has been wrapped around it.

Being able to call myself a paramedic made me so proud. When I told people what I did most were in awe, many asked how I could do it, some wanted to know the worst thing I had seen. But there was always the same line, ‘you must see some terrible things.’ Pretty much yes, but being able to help people was why I did my job.

I’ve been off road now for almost ten months without really knowing if I will go back. So, what am I now. There is such a gap in my life, and I keep saying I know what I will fill it with. But the idea of completely giving up my identity as a paramedic is really difficult and makes me emotional. Who am I without this as my job. I worked hard to get where I was, so much study. It feels like I am just throwing away the last decade of my life.

For the last couple of years I have also been writing, it has definitely helped me process a lot of stuff. But it doesn’t give me the same sense of pride as being a paramedic. Even though my job has contributed to my mental health issues, it is still so hard to pull away.

Trying to separate my identity and forge a new one is a work in progress, my job gave me a purpose and now I feel like I am just treading water until I find my next thing.

I don’t know where I will end up, its all just part of the journey I guess. It is part of me discovering how good it can get.